Just a disclaimer, this isn’t a true story, and if you have a great-great-grandfather that died recently, and you’re living in the United States of America, where the average life expectancy for a dude is about 77 years, then your family has gone through five generations of having kids at approximately nineteen years old, and should probably try protection. Anyway, for this fictional great-great-granddaddy’s sake, I’m not gonna give his name. Gotta respect the dead. However, for your sake, let’s call him Axel. Axel de Plume.

So my great-great-granddaddy passed away last week…No it’s okay, you can ask why…WHAT?! Why would you ask that? Don’t you know I’m trying to deal with the loss, here?…Fine, I’ll tell you.

So Axel was one hundred and eleven, as you know. He was driving to work one day…Yeah, he babysits for this young couple down the block…Yes, I know he’s old, but he says he needs the cash. He’s more trustworthy than any kid between the ages of 14 and 20, the clients love him. Anyway, he was driving to work, and he was still a bit drunk from the night before…Of course he still drinks. Just let me tell the story. So he was drunk, and he was driving to work. And he began to swerve, and one thing led to another…No, I’m afraid it’s a bit more complicated than that. Just let me tell the story, hm?

He was swerving, and suddenly he saw my son James walking home from school…Let me tell you, this guy has a lot of descendants. He’s related to half of the kids in this town. After staying alive through that many generations of your family, you have a pretty big family tree…No, I’m not talking about the great oak he planted in 1945 in honor of his father after the war…Yeah, it’s grown quite a bit. Anyway, so he saw my son James, and he pulled over to the side of the road, and James pulled out a gun…No, I have no clue where he got the gun. James is only 6.

When great-great-granddaddy Axel saw that gun, boy, did he laugh. And great-great-granddaddy doesn’t have much air left in him, ya know?…Shh! just let me talk, damnit! So yeah, Axel had a heart attack, and he almost died. Fortunately, the ambulance arrived on time. But on the way to the hospital, he sort of, he…Sorry, it just, it hurts, ya know? So on the way to the hospital, he got up and opened that little window to the front of the ambulance. And great-great-granddaddy Axel…Shh, it’s almost over.

He stood up on his knees…Oh, come on, don’t act like you didn’t know that Axel’s legs were blown off in the war…No, I don’t know how he drives, he just does. Anyway, dear old great-great-granddaddy Axel stood up on his knees and peed all over the driver. And the driver drove into the river to rinse off, and they all drowned…I know…I’m sorry, I’m tearing up. I have to go. I’ll talk to you later…Thanks. Okay, bye.

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