Over the past couple of weeks, Houndson Doggington had been recovering from a painful surgery which removed a lump on his back called a lipoma. Doggington had lived with the lump for four years, and it never bothered him, but his new owner Molly decided to pay a ridiculous amount of money for a surgery that would remove it. What an idiot.
Oh that’s too bad, I sorta liked that lump.
I know! Frank always said it was endearing, and the ladies loved it too. That day I heard Molly talking to the vet on the phone, when she thought I was napping? Well guess what. I got up, hopped right out of my soft circular pillow thing, and I bit her right on the ankle. She screamed pretty goddamn loud. That’s probably the reason the vet stuck that needle in me so many times. The one that made me fall asleep for two days.
Holy smokes, do you really think you had to take it there?
Of course! Look, if you had a huge bump on your back that was super attractive, and your owner decided to have it cut the hell off, how would you feel? I mean, throw me a bone here. You’re supposed to agree with me, make me feel a little better about all this crap.
Alright, alright. Look, when I was seven years old, I had to have my big toe on my right foot cut off cause I stepped on a nail and it went right through.
Oh, screw your big toe. I’ll bet you never got a girl to go out with you cause you had ten toes. And if you did, then standards are a hell of a lot lower in the human world.
You know it. And ever since my wife left me…
Whoa there, buddy. I’m the one paying you for therapy. Shut up about your problems.
You’re right, I’m sorry. So has Molly been treating you well since the surgery?
Well, I can’t say she hasn’t been. She’s been brushing my tail every day since I got that bump removed, and I’ve gotta say, it feels real nice. Also, she gives me a burger once in a while. But can I tell you a big secret?
I have another one growing on my left butt cheek. It’s gonna be pretty hot. Picture it, I’ll have a pretty poodle sniffing my behind, and then, she sees it. That round, unique third butt cheek. And hopefully, Molly won’t notice for a few more months, and if she does, I highly doubt she can make enough money to pay for that surgery again. She buys me the cheap dog food. I mean, come on. At least get the organic kind.