This year, the groundhog came out of his little hole and saw his shadow. And you know what he said? He said “don’t be fooled. Just cause I see my shadow doesn’t mean there’s gonna be more winter. There was never any winter to begin with, because you humans messed with Mama Earth. Ten years from now, you guys are gonna be frying up on the surface, but we live underground. Natural selection. That’s just how it works, baby.”

Yeah, the groundhog can be a bit of a jerk. But do we deserve it? Hell yeah we do. And in ten years, when we’re all cookin’ like eggs on the Earth’s surface, will groundhogs take over? Hell yeah they will. But we still have a little time left to turn this thing around. So we need to walk to school. Bike to work. Use battery powered lava lamps, because they’re out of date anyway. Also, if your job is to drill for oil, maybe switch it up a little. There are a lot of Democrats out there who hate you.

Once we destroy all the factories and get more of that “hand crafted” magic going on, there’s only one more thing I demand: no more big noisy cars. Instead, go for a more energy efficient ride. Perhaps a golf cart. Or a scooter. Or a moose. It’s up to you, just…as long as I don’t have to sweat my butt off in the middle of January by the time I’m thirty.


Although, moose are pretty expensive. If you have a little extra dough, but don’t want to buy a large animal with antlers, you could just donate a little sumptin’ sumptin’ to Conservation International.

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