God, this survey is really helping me out. I sit down, open a new tab and…wait, what’s that? Oh, god, it looks like an ad for…yes, indeed, it is an ad for marijuana. All I wanted to do was go to Google Drive and open up my special survey. I didn’t want to be offered drugs on the way over. Jesus, why aren’t there filters for this sort of thing?

If you didn’t pick up on this already, I should tell you that that first paragraph was an introduction to the topic of this post: the shady place we call the internet. Or, if you’re one of those baby boomers, the “interweb.” I’m not trying to be inconsiderate, here.

Have you ever tried to illegally download a movie? I have. I tried to illegally download Star Wars: A New Hope when I was ten years old. I went onto some site, searched Star Wars, and lo and behold, there it was. An entire galaxy far far away, right at my fingerprints, for absolutely zero dollars. But…oops…”Dad? I may have killed my computer. It says it has a virus. What does it have, Dad? Does it have the flu?”

Just last year, I opened up my computer, and got a Skype call. So I picked it up. I heard a low voice. “Say goodbye to your interweb,” it said, and suddenly, my internet went out. I went onto my phone, and had no connection either. So I turned off Wi-Fi and used my data. After a minute or two of research, I discovered that all of the Verizon routers in my area had gone whack, and that it would be a day or two before they’d be back up and running. Well, at least I know that the guy who did it was in his seventies. One step closer to justice.

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