A little background: I applied to several boarding schools this year, and about a week ago, I received acceptance letters. Everything went well, except for one detail: I was put on the waitlist for my top choice. I know that it’s up to the fates to decide whether or not I end up at my dream school next year, but nonetheless, I can’t help wondering if it’s possible to give destiny a little push in the right direction. I mean, there must be something I can do which would just blow the admissions officers away, and leave them sitting at their desks, mouths open, thinking “This kid is in.” Here are my top ten ideas:

10. Offer to mow all the lawns on campus for free. Pretty obvious why this one is at the bottom of the list, right? I mean, the effort this would require is equal to that of directing and starring in an Oscar-winning film.

9. Ride into the admissions office on a unicycle. What better way is there to show the admissions officers that I am both athletic and self-confident? It’s an almost flawless plan, except for the fact that I have no idea how to ride a unicycle.

8. Ride into the admissions office on a unicycle wearing a suit. This one has all the same benefits as number 9, except it also shows that I’m classy. Who could say no to an athletic, self-confident young man who just so happens to be dressed to the nines? Downsides: same as number 9.

7. Invent a zero-emissions jetpack. People always tell me that when applying to schools, it’s important to be memorable. Ever since I was little, I have loved building things. And science is my favorite class, after all. What would the admissions officers say if I flew down onto the busy campus wearing a homemade jetpack that didn’t leave the place reeking of exhaust? It would make it clear that I’m a true engineer, and also an environmentalist.

6. Send a letter. Everyone seems to do this, but 98% of applicants accepted from the waitlist sent a letter to the school. And yes, that’s a true statistic. Probably.

5. Descend upon the school in a hot air balloon. Picture it. The school goes dark, and everyone looks to the sky. Blocking out the sunlight with my beautiful balloon, there I’ll be, wearing one of those caps all hot air balloon pilots wear. And some gloves, too. Can’t forget the gloves. You can’t say no to a pair of those beautiful white gloves. I mean, what better way is there to make an impression than to show up in a hot air balloon?

4. Build a time machine, go to the future, become an admissions officer, and admit myself to the school. No, that would be cheating. Although the time machine would be impressive.

3. Direct and star in an Oscar-winning film. I’ve always loved to act, and don’t pretend it wouldn’t be cool to have a movie star at your school.

2. Write my name across the sky in water vapor. They call it skywriting. Usually, it’s done by a plane, and they write the message in smoke. But I did already build that zero-emissions jetpack. After a few skywriting lessons, it would be a piece of cake. Assuming they have classes for that sort of thing…

1. Post something clever on my comedy blog about being on the waitlist. Check!

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