Drowning. I feel my lungs fill with sorrow, and my heart fill with pain as I…Psyche! You guys know I wouldn’t put you through that crap. That seems to count as writing these days, huh? If you ask me, it’s easy to write something “deep.” here’s five things you need to know about being deep.

  1. Start with a negative verb ending in ING, such as “drowning,” “burning,” or “failing middle school.”
  2. Start the next sentence with “I,” followed by “feel my <insert organ here> fill with <emotion> and <another emotion>.
  3. After this, continue to describe a boring activity that leaves room for reflection. Some examples might be sitting on the beach, or cooking a hamburger.
  4. Insert something philosophical.
  5. End your deepness with the same verb you began with, to give it a full circle.

Here’s a sample:

  1. Asphyxiating. I feel my bladder fill with sorrow and distress as I sit on the toilet reading the paper and wondering if there are kids on the moon who sing songs about moon-cows jumping over Earth. Asphyxiating.

And there you have it.

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